What I Wore: When I Gave UP

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Its been a very long time since I’ve done one of these outfit drawings. The intent was always there, but because of several changes to my life, I didn’t have the drive to sit down and draw.

Some people in my life know that I’ve been struggling with anxiety and depression for several years. It’s not really something I like talking about though so it might be news to a lot of you. I’ve had some very good times and some very very bad times. One way I’ve learned to cope with all the awful feelings in my head is to focus on keeping the rest of my body happy. Keeping myself healthy and putting effort into looking good (to myself, because I’m not great at following trends) does wonders for me on a bad day. I’m also very big on routines and scheduling my time. Waking up early, getting work done, making sure I have time for exercise, seeing friends, and whatever else comes at me. This way of life kept me functioning as a person and usually stopped me from hiding under a bunch of blankets until a couple of years ago when I decided to make some big changes. I ended up in a drastically different situation than I had been in before. I haven’t spent more than 6 months in the same city and as soon as I find myself settling in, I have to pack up and move again. Some people would hate living like that, however it doesn’t bother me all that much. It’s actually pretty exciting for me and I’ve gotten used to living with the essentials, I don’t even own a TV!

The only downside to my life at the moment is that my routine has been thrown out the window, I don’t really feel much like wearing makeup anymore, and the clothing that used to make me feel great about my body no longer suits my lifestyle. I’ve also adapted some of my boyfriend’s eating habits, and while he can eat a steady diet of junk food and still maintain the body of a greek statue, I cannot. I’ve gradually become less healthy, which has caused changes in my skin as well as thinning hair. My self-esteem has been slowly vanishing and despite trying really hard to ignore it, I’m definitely depressed.

In short, I’m a mess.

Yesterday it all sort of came to a boiling point. I threw my pleather jacket on over my hoodie and headed out the door to run some errands with my mom. I caught my reflection in a glass window and was like “oh, oh no, this is not good, why do I look and feel so awful all the time?” I spent the night in deep reflection, trying to figure out how I got to this point and why looking good was so important to me. I realized it isn’t so much about looking good as it is about how I make myself feel good. It never occurred to me that giving up on my routine was basically giving up on myself.

So now that I’ve figured out why I feel bad, I have to figure out how to fix it.

Scheduling my time and coming up with a routine is going to be hard, especially since I share my time Will now and in a couple of months we could be moving again. I think its definitely going to be a work in progress until we settle in again, especially since the next move we make will hopefully be for at least two years.

I’m going to try to put effort into looking good and feeling comfortable with myself again. A few weeks ago I did that whole “minimalist wardrobe” thing were you purge all your useless stuff and keep only the things you love and have worn over the last 6 months. This is a bit of an extra challenge for me because every 6 months I switch between cities with drastically different weather. So I ended up keeping some extra things that I love, but don’t get to wear very often because they are too warm for Quebec in the summer. The minimalist wardrobe purge did say that the process would help you figure out your personal style, but I kind of just ended up with a bunch of things that I wear out of necessity and I honestly wasn’t thrilled about putting on every day. So I went out and raided the sale rack at my favourite store for some new things that look good on my body and will fit with my lifestyle. I’m also trying to put more effort into caring for my skin and putting pretty colors on my face more often.

As for getting back to a healthy place again, that is definitely going to take a lot of effort. I’ve been trying to eat better for the last few weeks but I keep getting distracted by chocolate and bubble waffles.

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Will’s face though.

I have to crack down on my diet and I’m going to try to pick up running again, even though it makes me feel tired and awful the next day. It gets better eventually, right? hopefully a change in diet and less stress from being sad will also make my hair happy again.

Its going to take a lot of effort but I’m really hoping I can get both my mental and physical self back to where it was again.

 

 

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