The last month has been difficult. We’ve faced some almost impossible challenges, had major setbacks, lost loved ones, and had days where we didn’t even think we could get out of bed. It’s been one bad thing after another and we’re both feeling burnt out and emotionally drained.
I tried really hard to push past all of that this week and turn it around. Will and I have been developing arts programs for some non profit organizations and it’s something I’ve been very excited about. The programs are made to help people with mental illness, people affected by homelessness, and those with disabilities. Because I struggle with depression and have a disability the work that we’re doing is important to me and I want it to be successful.
The thing about my disability is that it greatly affects my confidence. It’s not physical, so looking at me you’d never say anything was wrong. It’s my brain that doesn’t function like it should. In a normal conversation you’d never notice. It’s only certain things, sometimes information gets jumbled and I can’t remember how to do something I could do perfectly ten minutes ago. It’s mostly anything that involves numbers. I have to stay away from math and sciences, but I’ve always excelled at the arts. Sometimes my measurements are off, but art doesn’t always need to be precise so I make it work.
professionally, it’s been hell. There aren’t many jobs out there for me, working retail is pretty much out of the question, I’ve tried several times and it never goes well. There isn’t much else in Newfoundland at the moment so I keep taking jobs that I know I can’t do, hoping that this time it will be different, but I always end up failing and feeling stupid. I have a degree in visual arts but it hasn’t gotten me very far. This is why this program Will and I are doing means so much to me. It’s a chance for me to create a job for myself.
I’ve been struggling with feeling confident that I can do this. I’m so used to having bosses, supervisors, and people in my life talking down to me that I find it almost impossible to show them how awesome and smart I am. In this setting Will does most of the talking anyway so my awkwardness hasn’t really mattered. He takes care of the planning and handles all the difficult situations. My job is to help teach classes, come up with ideas, and get people inspired.
Spring is a great time for fresh starts and new beginnings so this week I was determined to stop worrying about coming off as a dumbass. I was going to be brave and confident. I wanted my personality to shine so people would see that I am great to work with and not and awkward mess. I guess I just wanted to be impressive.
That didn’t happen.
Instead someone made me thier emotional punching bag. Made me feel targeted, stupid and like my ideas were pointless. I hadn’t even done anything, I was just in the wrong place at the wrong time. I’m not going to lie, I spent a few hours crying and asking myself why I even bother. I know my ideas are good and I’m great at teaching art, but this incident made me feel really low. With my depression being as bad as it is I really didn’t need this right now. All I can do is try to push past it. I did nothing wrong and if I don’t end up with a job out of this I won’t feel too badly, I know it’s not a good working environment.